Episodul 236 · The Part I Chose

Krista set the pen beside the notebook. Soles kept his hands on the table.

— I killed two men while I was away.

Maxim lowered his cup.

— The first was at the barracks, Soles said. They called him Bull.

He told them about the weeks of harassment, the men who helped it along, the officers who watched. When he reached the training hall, he described Bull’s knife and the cut across his own arm.

Tesa shifted forward.

— At the end. Did he still have it?

— No. It was on the floor. He was backing away from me.

She waited.

— I could have gone out through the office. There was room. I stepped in front of him instead.

Soles could see the doorway again. He had spent so much of that day explaining why he had needed to fight. Here he had to say what came after.

— I beat him. Then I cut his throat.

Krista’s hand remained beside his. He could feel the warmth of her fingers against the side of his own.

— For a moment I felt better, he said. He couldn’t get up. I wouldn’t have to hear him coming into the room again. I was glad.

He swallowed.

— That’s the part I keep coming back to.

Tesa pressed her thumb against the handle of her fork.

— I’d have wanted him hurt too.

— He was hurt already.

— I heard you.

She put the fork down. Soles had been ready to argue against an excuse she hadn’t offered.

Maxim spoke from across the table.

— What happened after?

— They wrote it up as a training incident. I had to do another assignment before I could come home.

He told them about the signed order and the Hunter he had been sent to kill. The pursuit took only a few sentences; the dressing on his arm and the pain beneath his shirt supplied enough of what it had cost.

— The man who gave you the page? Krista asked.

— Yes.

Her fingers moved away from his. She brought the photograph back onto her screen and studied it.

— He’d tried to kill me. More than once. By the time we talked, he was sitting on a bench, holding a blanket against the wound. His knife was beside him.

Soles paused.

— He gave me that. I listened to him. Then I killed him.

Maxim sat back.

— Had he gone for the knife?

— No.

Soles kept his attention on him.

— I wanted to finish. Get the photograph they needed. Come home.

He had managed to say it. Krista’s breakfast cup was still on the counter; beyond it, the seven roses stood in water.

— Did you have another way? Maxim asked.

— I could have tried to keep him alive. Asked them what to do with him. I didn’t try.

His voice sounded rougher now. He reached for his coffee, found it cold and put it down again.

— I used what Phenom taught me. I knew it was my hand. I knew what I was doing.

Tesa drew the notebook away from a wet mark beneath her glass.

— So what happens now? With the people who sent you?

— I’m still in their service. They’ll send the reporting arrangements. That was the agreement.

— Then tell us when they do, Maxim said. Before you go off somewhere to sort it out.

Soles nodded.

— I will.

Maxim kept his eyes on him until Soles said it again.

— I’ll tell you.

Krista turned her phone face down and moved her chair closer.

— What are you frightened of now?

He had thought he might be able to leave this part unsaid once they knew the rest.

— That I’ll keep finding reasons. He was dangerous. They wouldn’t let me leave. I had to get home. Every time, I knew what I wanted at the end.

— And us? she asked.

He rubbed a finger along the edge of the table.

— I get angry with you. All of you. I’ve already decided things for you because I thought I knew better. What if there’s a day when being angry feels that clear?

Krista took his hand. He could feel how firmly she held it.

— Then tell me you’re angry. Let me answer. I might be angry too.

— And when I’m not angry? he said. I look at people. For what will move them. There was a driver who needed a box ticked, and I gave him the words before I’d decided to. It was easy.

Krista’s thumb stopped on his knuckles.

— Saying the easy thing.

— Yes.

— I know that one.

— I’ll stop looking at people to find something I can use. With you. With all of you.

— Then I’ll tell you when you do.

He tried to say more, but his throat had tightened.

— I’m going to take care of you, she said. I want you here. Even when you’ve got something awful to tell me.

— You can’t watch me all the time.

— I can’t. You have to help.

He lowered his head. She rested her cheek against his shoulder, above the cut at his ribs, and stayed there.

Across the table, Maxim picked up an empty plate.

— I meant what I said on the phone. You can call with something worse.

Soles breathed out slowly. Tesa took the plates from Maxim and carried them to the counter. She left the notebook open where Krista had put it.

When Krista lifted her head, Soles turned his hand beneath hers and held on.

— I don’t know what to do with all of it.

— Start with staying, she said. We’ll have the rest of the afternoon.

He sat with her until the tightness in his throat eased. Maxim had begun washing up. Tesa was putting the leftover bread into the paper bag; she brushed crumbs from the table into her palm and took them to the bin before Lucky could get up.

Soles rose carefully and went to the counter. Krista gave him a dry towel while Maxim rinsed a cup.

He took it in his right hand and dried it, working the cloth around the handle. Maxim waited until he had finished before passing him another.

By the time they had put the cups away, the light had moved across the kitchen floor. Mina followed it from beneath the table and settled beside Soles’s feet. He stayed against the counter, listening while the others decided what to do for supper.